Today I was having a hard time in prayer. I've been praying about a specific area for quite some time, and I'm not getting the results I would like. It's a physical pain thing. In fact, I go back to the doctor today. The details aren't really important. It's just something that God has ordained in my life for His glorious purposes, and my flesh is having a hard time being okay with that. It's not like my pain is much of anything, compared to what others experience. It's really not. It's just my pain. It's what He is using to teach me.
I haven't felt very worshipful this week. I've felt sulky. I've felt frustrated. I've felt tired.
It's one of those times when I have to choose faith over feelings. Today during my prayer time, I just had to stop and think about God's nature. His beauty, His compassion, His love, His wisdom. These are my comfort right now.
He is beautiful. Nothing in this life, even the alleviation of physical pain, is more desirable than Him. Oh that I would live the reality of this!
He is compassionate. I think of Aslan's shining tears in C.S. Lewis's The Magician's Nephew when he looked upon the protagonist's grief. I imagine how beautiful the tears of Jesus are as He looks with compassion on my pain.
He is Love. He LOVES me. This pain is ordained by Him in love, and it is meant as a messenger of His love. There is no malice in His choosing this pain for me; only love- a love that is jealous for my heart. He wants me to love Him more and more in and through and even because of this pain.
And He is wise. I have to tell myself this truth often, because I am tempted to think that perhaps I have a better idea of how things should go. How ridiculous am I? Seeking to counsel the Lord on the best plans for my life... it probably makes Him giggle. If it is okay to speak of God Most High giggling. I realize it is crazy for me to think, even for a second, that my plans are better than His. I trust Him, and I do not want to be in charge! If I trust Him with my eternal salvation, can I not trust Him with my temporal situation? I want the Eternal One, the One who knows the plans He has for me, to continue His sovereign reign in my life without me trying to interfere. (Oh how grateful I am for so many of the prayers that He has said NO to over the years...)
"Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways! For WHO HAS KNOWN THE MIND OF THE LORD, OR WHO BECAME HIS COUNSELOR? Or WHO HAS FIRST GIVEN TO HIM THAT IT MIGHT BE PAID BACK TO HIM AGAIN? For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things To Him be the glory forever. Amen." Romans 11:33-36